In my psychotherapy practice, guys of all ages complain that sooner or later they lose their mojo for their sex partner. They start off being able to do it three times a night, but before long they can barely find a good reason to get it on. They don’t really understand why this happens, and so chalk it up to nature, saying that this fall off in libido is simply to be expected. But is it true that this diminishment of desire is natural, and does it have to be this way?
I say no. I know people who have been going at it for decades. Maybe they aren’t doing it multiple times in a twenty-four hour period, but they want it, they’re getting plenty, and when they do do it, it just keeps getting better and better.
What do these people know that the vast majority of the male sex does not? There are lots of theories about why men’s sex interest falls off with time. I’m sure there is truth to most of the ideas. Here are some of them.
- It’s an intimacy problem. As men get closer to someone else, they get more afraid because getting close means being vulnerable, and that’s scary. When we are scared, it is hard to get hard.
- It’s a commitment problem. Guys are afraid of engulfment. If they felt dominated by their mothers, they fear the vagina dentata. They are afraid that they will lose the family jewels to some monstrously devouring partner.
- It’s a shame problem. In the beginning, a guy is so overcome with hormones that he forgets how badly he feels about himself. But with the passage of time, he becomes convinced that it is just a matter of time before his fundamental lameness will show its ugly head. In order to stave off the inevitable rejection he is sure will happen, he withdraws, and stopping sex is a great way to do that.
- It’s a narcissism problem. When guys use sex to prop themselves up, it’s all about the conquest. Once they’ve got the notch in their belt, they are done.
- It’s a nerve ending problem. Bang a nerve enough times and it just stops responding. We need new stimuli to stay excited.
- It’s a partner problem. If she’s not into it, why should you be?
Now, all of those explanations probably have a great deal of truth to them. But here’s the one that men are least willing to face, and is perhaps the most significant:
The men who lose interest in their partners are poor lovers.
These guys will have all kinds of complaints about their mates, but rarely, if ever, will they look at their own acumen in the sack. Don’t forget, big boy, your partner may bore you, but he or she may be long bored with you, and maybe for good reason.
Here are some things to ask yourself to figure out if you need some lovin’ lessons. If you answer yes to most of these questions, you could probably use some improvement in the booty game.
Do you think sex is intercourse?
Do you avoid oral sex?
Do your encounters last less than three minutes?
Is it all about your happy ending?
Do you always do it the same way?
Are you thinking about something else when you are doing it?
Do you spend a lot more time watching internet porn than thinking about how to pleasure your partner?
Do you not know what turns your partner on?
Does your partner fail to orgasm?
Do you carry strong feelings of inadequacy?
Are you afraid to try new things?
Do you avoid looking at your partner during sex?
Do you avoid talking about sex?
If it turns out that you do have something to learn about sex, join the crowd. You are not alone. Certainly, learning how to be a good lover is one relatively easy thing to do. But before we get into the details about how to do that, we come to the number one solution to all these issues: love.
Sex without love gets old fast. In order to be a great lover you need to open your heart, risk everything, and be vulnerable. You need to care about, and for, your partner and be focused on giving pleasure to them. That’s the definition of love. Love is not a feeling. It’s being devoted to someone else’s well being. And providing them with great orgasms is a big part of that.
Finally, in order to be a great sex and love partner, you need to love yourself. Why does that cliché fit? Because if you feel bad about yourself, you are not going to have the confidence to master the fine art of lovemaking.
If you open up to ever deeper love for yourself and your partner, then the fun begins. Together you can learn how to have such great transcendent, peak, thrilling sex that you will never, ever get bored.