Couples Counseling

Usually, problems in relationship are made worse by cracks in the relationship’s foundation. We may not be aware of those cracks, but when the system, or the marriage, gets stressed, let’s say by having small children, then those flaws in the foundation make themselves felt where they come out as conflict, acting out, or shutting down.

Creating safety and security is necessary to begin shoring up that foundation and so that is the first order of business in our work together.

We work on Creating Foundational Safety and security in several ways. Though ultimately the method I use involves dialogue between partners, in the beginning you will not be discussing your problems together. Nor will you tell me how horrible your partner is with the other present. (After an initial meeting, I will meet with both partners individually to give you an opportunity to let me know about your issues with your partner).

We establish Safety Rules and I teach you methods of expressing the most difficult feelings in a way that your partner can hear without feeling attacked or getting defensive.

We practice techniques to begin Rebuilding Positive Feeling between the two of you.

This part of the process serves several different purposes. Significantly, it is what begins the process of enabling your partner to learn and change. What we now understand about brain chemistry is that it is only when we feel safe that we become receptive to take in new information and learn. So, if we want our partners to hear us and take in what we have to say, they need to feel safe.

In my introductory session you will not only begin to build that safety, but you will also take the first, easy steps in learning the basic techniques that I will use throughout our treatment. I will lay out the path of our work together, and finally I will explain the fundamental philosophy that I operate by.

The next step after our introductory session and meeting with each of you individually, is to take a session each to learn your Family History. The shadow of the past looms over our present. Though you may know each other’s stories very well, through my interview techniques we learn more about each other through this process, and grow compassion as we understand on a deeper level some of the hidden reasons why we act and react the ways we do.

The next step in our process is to create a Vision Document. You will create a consensual document where you define your vision for your life and relationship, and set measurable goals for the therapeutic process so that you have the greatest likelihood of realizing your vision.

Once we get through this part of the process we have established enough trust and safety for the foundation to be strong enough to begin engaging in dialogue together.

One thing we are attempting to do is to break old dysfunctional habits and replace them with more satisfying ones. In order to do this, you have to practice stuff you’ve probably never done. The Connection Method you will be taught is like practicing the scales on the piano. You wouldn’t ultimately play the instrument like that, and you won’t speak like this in your day-to-day lives, but by practicing in this way you develop muscle memory. Through this, you will achieve a fluency and mastery in your connection and communication skills that will enable you to begin building the secure, vital, and passionate relationship that you seek.